#satire #writing #fiction


Tommy cradled Lamarr fiercely, expecting something godawful to burst through those aging doors. The slabs of metal, painted a solemn green, started to shake violently. Eventually they were flung open, revealing a dark hooded figure wielding a a bow. Beyond the doors, dark figures with arrows protruding from their flesh caught Tommy’s attention, and Zeke gave a polite gasp. Tommy got the impression that his friend wasn’t all that phased by the violence. “Are you Ronald Reagan?” Zeke asked. Tommy couldn’t help but chuckle, and the hooded figure gave him the stink eye. “No, I’d actually rather my name not […]

5:31am, part 13


Once firmly ensconced in the mausoleum, Zeke turned on his flashlight. They exhaled simultaneously.  It wasn’t clear whether or not anyone had followed or seen them, but for now it seemed like they were safe. Lamarr was in the center of the dingy room, her cries having settled to a simmer. Maybe she sensed the dangers lurking nearby. “That Lamarr?” Zeke asked. “I’d give her my coat, but it’s soaking wet.” “Me too.” Zeke looked around, looking more alert than scared. “Hmm, there has to be something to wrap her up in…” Tommy looked around without responding. The walls were […]

5:31am, part 12


“I’d say this report is pretty damning,” Zeke said, holding up the sixteen page document to the moonlight. It started to rain slightly and he shielded himself with his other hand. Tommy stood awkwardly off to the side, waiting for a chance to speak. “In what regard?” Milton asked, shifting his weight to one hip and glancing quickly at his henchmen. “Placing headless rabbits around town would amount to nothing more than a misdemeanor. You’ve overplayed your hand, son.” “I won’t be your son for much longer. You’ve repeatedly harassed my friend, Tommy. I’d say that amounts to a consistent […]

5:31am, part 11



Tommy was standing above Lamarr’s crib, thinking the worst and trying not to visualize it. Mom was staring down at the crib too, the headless rabbit that had been placed in the middle was making her avert her gaze every now and then. “Who could have done this?” she asked. “Bethany was a quiet baby, wouldn’t hurt a soul. We’re just a normal family. Why would anyone do this?” “L-, I mean, Bethany didn’t deserve this. I’ll get her back. I promise.” Mom became a christmas elf for a few seconds as her eyes lit up. After the few seconds […]

5:31am, part 10


Tommy had no choice but to believe his eyes as he stared at the screen. The email from Zhang read:   If Milton becomes president, I’ll kill myself. I can’t lose to that hack! Sincerely, Zhang   “Wow. Can you believe it? This is riveting stuff. Absolutely riveting!…” Zeke said. “Yeah. I had no idea that Zhang and Milton were Republicans. This changes everything.” “Something else is going on. Why would two obscure teachers from Middletown High run for president? It doesn’t make any sense!” Tommy found himself agreeing with Zeke, which made him a little concerned. But since these […]

5:31am, part 9


Zhang ushered everyone out of the classroom and slammed the door. “You have two hour to find the jars. After that, there will be no benefit to your grade!” he said, his muffled voice barely making it through the thick wood. “Well, do you think we should tackle this together?” Zeke said to Tommy. Zeke had always been one of those “vaguely a friend” types to him. Tommy liked the guy well enough, but didn’t have much in common with him. “Let’s do it. Maybe we should start with the other biology lab first. I could see Zhang thinking that’s […]

5:31am, part 8



Zhang was still scanning the room as Tommy took his seat. “I want everyone to take note of this historic day!” Zhang said, making his way to the closet where yesterday’s corpse had emerged. Something told Tommy that  Zhang had another equally horrific surprise in store. “I was able to pull some strings with the school’s donation board,” Zhang prattled on. “What we have today is something very special!” He pulled out an ornate looking sarcophagus, which Tommy thought to be at least sixteen feet. At that length, it seemed like some sort of formidable sea creature. He imagined it […]

5:31m, part 8


Tommy inwardly cursed the dark brown puddle growing around his feet. The beheaded rabbit just sat there, reclining against a container of imitation butter. Everything was fine, Tommy tried to reassure himself. But everything wasn’t fine! That pleasant slice of solitude and subsequent unconsciousness he experienced were the most delightful things in recent memory, and “look at me, I have no head” had to materialize and crash the party. Grogginess still clung to Tommy, but adrenaline was rapidly replacing it with alertness. He had to dispose of that headless furry sack before his parents and Lamarr came home! The solution […]

5:31am, part 6


It was only September 25th, and the local punks were already engaging in Halloween pranks. But decapitated rabbits? Tommy could never quite figure out why that was the chosen symbol for beezlebub’s once a year lollapalooza. He just shook his head and placed the still leaking rabbit into a hollowed out pumpkin sitting on the nearest porch. Tommy burst through the front door, excited. This was rather fortuitous timing. The babysitter was taking Lamarr for  her 1:30 stroll through the park. Both parents were trapped in their jobs, loving every second of it. Meanwhile, Tommy had the space all to […]

5:31am, part 5



Tommy’s heart was racing as his shaking hand moved closer to the chest of the corpse. “How did this guy bite the dust?” one of the students asked. There was laughter, followed by a few fevered whispers. “Excellent question, Terrance,” Zhang said. “But, if I gave you that answer right away, what would compel you to explore further? For instance, you would never know that he was a single father, ashamed of his circumstances. He liked to drink.” Zhang looked around the classroom expectantly. “Maybe he died of cirrhosis?!” another student guessed loudly, causing Tommy to jolt forward and stab […]

5:31am, part 4


Tommy trudged his way up to the third floor, wondering what history class had in store for him. Mr. Milton was always full of surprises, like that Hoover/panzer tank thing. For every step, Tommy tried to think of a ludicrous statement Milton had made or some bizarre association he had subjected the class to, but he couldn’t remember them all. Tommy just shook his head semi-affectionately, as if he had known the teacher for years, when in reality it had been about a month. Teachers didn’t last very long at Middletown High. Milton practically seemed like one of the old […]

5:31am, Part 2


3
The alarm went off like a blaring siren. Tommy vomited a little bit in his sleep before fully waking up. Looking over, he saw that the time was 5:31. Every morning he looked over and the clock read dutifully: 5:31. Making his way downstairs, Tommy found the kitchen to be quiet. Mom & Dad had left for work, and Lamarr–the nickname he had given his little sister–was cooing in her crib still. He grabbed a cold waffle from the fridge, stuffing it into his mouth as he made his way to her room. As Tommy entered, he caught whiff of a […]

5:31am, part 1